Reality Check.

 For the past four weeks, my application for Seminary  has been in review. First of all, hearing that it is in review is daunting. It’s scary to think that people are deliberating and deciding if the call I feel is real. It’s even more scary how vague a “few weeks” can be. I expected something the second week. Believed I deserved something the next. And was endlessly hoping for something just last week. This week though? More of the same. Fear, and anxiety, doubt and stress.

I believe with all my heart that I wouldn’t have applied to Seminary if it weren’t what God wanted for me. I wouldn’t have been in St Louis this summer without Him, and I wouldn’t have known about my gifts or potential without His spirit in me. I wouldn’t have known about the amazing counseling program at Covenant, and I would have been afraid that I wasn’t qualified enough. The only reason I even believed that I should apply was because of what God did in me this summer. What He had been preparing for me all my life.

The hope that I have in Christ is real. The belief that I will only get in if it is by his AWESOME work is true, but that doesn’t deny that waiting is hard. Waiting for anything is hard. Waiting to hear from a friend, waiting to hear from a seminary, waiting for healing, waiting for hope, waiting, waiting, waiting. It’s hard because we all want to be there already, wherever ‘there’ is. We have a problem with letting things be the way they are, letting the pain exist, letting anxiety be real and understanding doubt. We struggle with pain, we aren’t able to let ourselves feel because we’re stuck in a culture where we’re told we can make a name for ourselves, fix our lives, and accomplish anything we set out to do.

But what if struggling with pain is the greater  choice? What if living out the pain and experiencing anxiety is what we're called to do? What if letting that pain be real is more hopeful than just believing in hope? Can it truly be more faithful and enduring than holding on to hope? 

Maybe. Maybe that's part of the answer. Maybe we're called to a life of pain. Of experience. Of brokenness. Because without the reality of the Fall, what is hope? Would salvation and righteousness found in Christ be as amazing if we didn't experience the realities of the Fall? If pain, anxiety, and fear are all pictures of this, how are we called to live? Are we called to ignore them and move on to bigger and better things, or are we called to experience the realities of this world?

Even in scripture it shows that this is an essential part of the Christian life. The Psalms are more about the brokenness, hurt, and anxiety that David is feeling than about seeing the good things God has done. While I personally am horrible at letting pain, hurt and sadness dwell in my heart, I think it's an essential aspect of the Christian life. 

What if real faith is letting yourself be hurt? Letting yourself feel and not trying to control it? What if that leads to greater hope, greater faith and greater lives?

Because Reunions Are Precious

We’re in Revelation this semester in RUF, and the most common theme that’s been driven home about what we take away from Revelation is that we are living in the time of tribulation. The time between memory and hope. Between what Christ has done for us and the promise that He has made to us. We live in the in-between.

I think this has been very applicable to life as a senior in college. The hope for the future is strong in my heart, and the memories of college years past have pervaded my mind, but as of now, I am stuck. I am stuck between the beautiful hope of the future, and the pervading memory of the past. But I am not living those things now, I am between them. I am stuck between a no-longer, and a not-yet, an awkward period of finishing and beginning. A middle ground, where everything is and isn’t. There’s no better description than that it is a time between past and future, memory and hope.

This weekend, an old friend came into town, our intern from the past two years who made a lasting impression on all our lives. And the reunion was sweet. Two of my friends and I met her at a local mom & pop shop, and when we saw her walking toward the coffee shop we rapidly pushed out our chairs and quickly raced to the door to greet her. The hugs and the squeals that ensued were beautiful. The smiles and the joy in each of our eyes was a vision of the glory of God. The time we were able to talk and be with her was sweet. Just knowing that she was back, even if just for the weekend, gave me peace. It seemed like all was right with the world.

I believe reunions are a picture of both hope and memory, colliding at once. They bring back sweet memories from times past, and allow us to hope that the future will bring more sweet reunions. Something to help us endure this life in between. Something that shows us how beautiful memories are and how much has changed. Something that makes us think of the future and when reunion will come again. It is precious. We cherish it, we relish in it. It is a gift from God to help us endure this life in between. It gives us hope now and makes the in between beautiful.

The feelings that ensue from such sweet moments show us what Christ has done for us in bringing love, community and relationship into our lives. They glorify God, and just a small piece of how much He loves us is revealed. Relationships are sweet, and reunions are glorious. The love of God has permeated the beginning, the end, and even the in between.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guards your hearts and minds in Christ –Phillipians 4:7

Learning About True Thankfulness

The Internet can be both a blessing and a curse, a time-saver and a time-sucker, a connection and an excuse for minimal personal contact. As an average young adult, I spend a majority of my time on my computer and on the Internet.

 How many in the past month have you said, I should probably have quiet time (or workout, or do homework), but have gotten on the Internet? I've done it more times than I can count. And I'm realizing how much the Internet takes out of my life. It takes away my free time, it takes away my real relationships, and it takes away my time with God and time to work on my health. 

Sometimes it has me asking where my free-time has gone, and other times it saves me a lot of time (and paper!) working on my thesis or other research papers. It is almost always a procrastination tool, the reason why it takes me so long to focus when I'm studying, and the reason it takes me twice as long to do my homework. If I took one hour every day that I spend procrastinating on the Internet, and used it to do something useful, outside, in a book or even working out I would be a much healthier person. 

And the Internet doesn't only take away our healthy living, it takes away from real relationships. I find myself getting on Facebook and using that as an excuse for my social connection for the day. I think that talking to people on Facebook chat is enough. While for some it has to be, shout out to my best friend in Korea!! It's not real. It gives you an excuse not to be honest with yourself and in community. It makes you show yourself off to people but never admit that you're struggling. We're all struggling, and we need a space for that. Real relationship comes with vulnerability, personability and time in person to talk to each other.  Real connection is in person, with real conversation and honesty. 

Not only does the Internet take away from our relationships with people, I think it takes away from our relationships with the Lord, and our sanctification. If I spent one hour a day reading, praying, and worshipping, I know my faith would be strong and I would be able to trust the Lord more fully because I would have a consistent relationship with Him. And this realization is why I have decided to take the month of November, and try real thankfulness. Thankfulness for time and the Lord. 

I realize that I can't cut out the Internet completely (although I would love to). But I think that it really can be a blessing. It can connect us to people we can't connect to in person, such as friends over seas, or simply people who don't have a phone or who's phone number you don't have, or who live in a completely different state. Instead, I have decided to use the Internet for my edification. 

The only times I will get on Facebook will be to post this, or other relevant articles that I find (as I'm using my free time to read more about God's work in our culture: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/), and for RUF events or connections. 

With my free time, I'm going to read. I'm going to search and study. I'm going to learn. I'm going to work out. To see my body as a temple  and be THANKFUL for the health that God has provided me with. I'm going to listen to hymns (not that I wasn't already, but still, they make me happy). I'm going to be joyful and be thankful for the beautiful life that God has given me and relish every moment. 

I think learning to be thankful is chiefly about learning to see what God has given you. Seeing that you are blessed, loved, and redeemed more than you can ever know. Being thankful for me today is about being thankful for time. 

What do you find yourself thankful for today?

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.  --Colossians 3:15-17

Confessions of a Real Control-Freak

I'll be honest with you, I'm a nervous wreck. On the outside, I may act like I'm fine, and that trusting in God's perfect plan is what gives me peace for the day, but the truth is I don't really believe that. I don't really let myself let go. I want to be in control of my future. I want to know what the next step is, and how to get there.

I applied to Covenant Seminary, as many of you know, in late August. Since then I've been excited and ready to transition to a life in St Louis, full of loving my youth group family there, and learning more and more about the Lord and how to be his child. That's what I hope for, honestly, is to be there. And I want to know. I want to know now if I'm going to be there or not so that I can prepare accordingly.

Two weeks ago I got an email telling me that my application was in review and they would let me know in a few weeks if they wanted an interview. Yay, right? Wrong. I immediately stressed myself out. For the past two weeks I've been anxious and unwilling to let God take His rightful place in my heart. I've been distant, I've been controlling and I've been stressed out.  All because I have this idea that I can do it all on my own. I can get into Seminary on my own, I can love people on my own, and I can develop a community on my own.

But do you know just how wrong I am? SO WRONG. That is so incorrect.  I can't do anything on my own. All I am is Christ's work in me. He made me who I am and is sanctifying me through His righteous blood. I am who I am, and this summer meant what it meant because of Christ's work in me. I know that this summer would not have meant as much as it did if He wasn't with me through it all. Half the time I wanted to give up. More than half the time in fact. It was too much, it was too lonely and I wasn't made for this.

But guess what I learned? I was made for this. I was made for it because God wants it for me. And I honestly believe He wants me to be in Seminary. Without His heart changing mine, I would be pursuing something completely different.

I learned this past week from a friend that the best way we glorify God is to let Him have control. To relinquish and allow Him to move in you. To let Him really change your life. And you know what the best part is? To trust Him is to glorify Him. You worship Him by letting Him take control of your life. By submitting and letting go, you are glorifying the Lord. How cool is that? By simply saying, "Yes, Lord" you are praising Him!

I believe in His plan. I have faith, even when I cannot see. Even when I cannot feel. I know I trust Him. If I just let myself trust Him I know I will find rest in His arms. It's not about how long I have to wait, but about what I do while I wait. If I trust in His plan, I am covered. And I believe I am covered. Even if I don't act like it.



"For you do not know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -- Jeremiah 29:11

Letting Go...

I'm a senior. I'm single. And I'm struggling with it. I'm in the midst of that time of life where everyone is planning for the future, and for most of them that means being with someone. A lot of my friends are thinking about the possibility of engagement, or at least in a long-term relationship. I'm glad for them. I'm happy to rejoice with them and the joy they've found in their relationship. It is a blessing and a gift from God and I am excited that they have found love and meaning in each other, and are no longer in search.

But there comes a price with friends in relationships. Friends in relationships are in relationships. They have to devote time to spend with their significant other, and sometimes that means time that you might have had. It's hard. It's a frustrating thing to get turned down because you're friend is going on a date, or needs some time to spend with their person. It's frustrating to feel like you have to occupy your time not thinking about relationships. Not desiring relationships, not idolizing them. Not letting yourself think about them. Or the things you could do to be in one. It's hard to not let it get to you. To not let it consume you.

But, relationships are good. They are a BLESSING. But I'm the first to admit that I don't always see them as a blessing. I see them as a loss. And that is unfair and untrue.

It stems from a deep fear in me that tells me that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. The fear that I will never find someone to spend my life with and I will forever come home to an empty house and no one to fall asleep next to. It stems from the fear that all my friends will leave me once they're married or in a relationship. That once they've found someone, I am the last on their list of priorities. That I no longer matter because I'm single.

And I'm here to say that tonight I learned something crucial. That that is an outright LIE. That is ABSOLUTELY untrue. Your friends will not abandon you or forsake you when they are in a relationship. It will change, but it does not mean that you are not valued.

And the ABSOLUTE most important thing: That Christ is with you through it all. You will never be alone because he is ALWAYS with you. Always. No matter what. Through the pain, the heartbreak, and the emptiness you feel, He is with you through it all. Despite what the devil tells you, you matter. You are DEEPLY loved. You are more loved and more important to Him than you could ever imagine.

So rest in that. Believe you are not alone because He is your all. Without Him, you would be nothing. Because of Him you are saved. And loved. And valued. You are redeemed.





Cling to the Crucified, Jesus the man who died.
Cling to the Crucified, Jesus the King.

Rejoicing in Your Youth

I've realized a lot recently about why I'm thankful for college. It's the stage of my life where nothing is going to be the same ever again, and I'm grateful for the time I have here to enjoy it. One of the most prevalent things on my mind that college life brings is friendships. And the friendships in college are nothing like the friendships you have any other time in your life. The friendships in college are special. They're dependent, fulfilling, reliable, and life-giving. They give me breath and help me live and love more fully every day.

Let me tell you a few of the reasons why friendships in college are so special. You don't have your parents to rely on or call in times of crisis, so you lean on those close friends who have proved to provide for you through thick and thin. And they provide for you because they love you, not because they have some obligation, or because they're related to you. They love you for you, and that is such a beautiful thing.

We stay up late. Way late. And talk hours into the night about the past and the future, our hopes and dreams that we so badly want to be right now. Everything we hope for in the future is so real and clear to us that we believe fully that we can and will become the person we want to be. And we will find or fall in love eventually, but the time for friendships is now. Boys will come and boys will go, but girl friends remain forever. We've been through break-ups and make-ups, crushes and first loves, engagements and first dates together, and we haven't ever broken the other's heart. We're your girls, and we always will be, no matter what boy you date.

We laugh together, we cry together, and we pray together. Our friendships are based on a mutual love and pursuit of Christ and it is so wonderful because our Christianity is finally becoming our own. It's not our parents' or our pastor's, but ours, fully and completely. We learn who God is more and more each day together, and as our plans change to fit His, we encourage each other and hope beyond hope that this new plan is really the one He wants for us.

We love. We live. We hope.

The days of college have been precious to me. The friendships I've made and the people I've met and grown to love are some of the most important people in my life. There's nothing like the college experience. It's a one time thing, and especially since I'm a senior, I'm choosing to enjoy it. The football games, the endless classes and tests and papers, the library and the science building, and most of all the friendships I will cherish. I want to live this year to the fullest, and in gratitude and hope look forward to the future.


I'm choosing to rejoice in the NOW. You should too :)

The Road Less Traveled

I'm a senior in college, twenty-one years old, and single. I'm not complaining. I love being single, but at a private Christian university where one of the main goals is to find your spouse before you leave, it's kind-of an anomaly. Or at least something people find strange. I don't. I'm actually glad that I'm able to be independent and not have to share life with someone yet. As cliche as this is, I think it's a blessing that I'm single. 

But. I'm writing this blog because I was recently asked "how I deal with being single." I don't necessarily think it's something that I have to "deal with." But I know that I look at life vastly different than a lot of people in and recently out of college. Yes, I deeply desire to find a guy that is willing to be my best friend and commit to loving me for the rest of our lives, but that doesn't mean that I'm ready for him now. I have a lot of growing up to do, a lot of life to live, and I don't think he's quite ready for who I am right now. I have a lot of stuff to figure out first. And I know marriage isn't something that we hold off until we're ready, because honestly? No one will ever be ready for marriage. I know that, but I know myself and my loyalty, and I think even if I had met the guy I was going to eventually marry in college, I'd want to figure life out on my own for a while. I'd want to be independent so I'm not fully relying on him to provide anything for me.

Because honestly? I'd rather fully rely on Him to provide for me. That's why I'm OK being single. That's why I'm glad I'm single. I love that I get to rest in Him and trust that He has a perfect plan for my life. It may not be where I want it to be yet, but He has a plan. He has something perfect waiting for me, and the coolest part about His sovereignty is that His perfect plan is now. Not only has it already happened in His vision of the world, but where I am now in my life is PERFECT for me. His plan and His timing is and always will be perfect. That's why I am so against the idea of "ring by spring." If God wanted that for me, He would have provided it, but I think I've been provided with so much more. 

I have the chance to make life-choices for myself after college. I've decided to go to seminary and pursue His plan for me in the place that He wants me to be. Even when people look at me strange because I only applied to one seminary, I have no doubt that God will provide for me because I fully believe that He wants me there. And if He doesn't? He has a better plan. And that will be SO awesome to figure out. 

It's a blessing to be single. I REFUSE to be upset or angry about it. Yes, I'm surrounded by couples. Yes, I desire a long-lasting relationship. But there will be time for that. My time now is devoted to God's word and work in my life. And that is AWESOME. I am so thankful for that chance to commit myself more to Him and I pray that I will not forget His perfect, awesome, unconditional love. 

In Which God Authored Grace

In Sunday School we are reading "Spectacular Sin" by John Piper (great book by the way, I definitely recommend it). Yesterday we talked about how in order for grace to come true, there had to be sin for there to be something for God to save us from.  "Saving grace was the plan that made sin necessary. God did not not find sin in the world and then make a plan to remedy it. He had the plan before the ages, and that plan was for the glory of sin-conquering grace through the death of Jesus Christ" (59). Essentially, sin was necessary for God's grace to even matter. But that doesn't mean that God created sin. It means that he allowed it. Which is an interesting and weird concept all together, but it show's Gods amazing and awesome sovereignty. He knew His plan before He even had a plan.

I'm also currently reading Narnia over again in preparation for Seminary. Yes, it's necessary. You don't know how much these people love their Christian fiction. It's great. But anyway, in The Magicians Nephew, the first book in the series, Digory and Polly get sent to another world and through a series of events end up in the beginning of Narnia with an evil witch, their uncle who sent them there and a Cabby and his wife.

Before this world even started, there was evil in it. Do you see what C.S. Lewis did there? Clever. The evil witch was in the Narnia before Narnia even began. How is that possible? How is there evil without there being anything? Good question. But it's interesting to think about the parallels here.

As Aslan creates the world he sings and breathes it into existence, much like our God. He creates the grass and the trees and the landscape, valleys and mountains and oceans and lakes. Every kind of animal we know and we don't know. He is the image of God in our world. And much about Narnia is similar to the way God created our world (smart, C.S., I see what you did there).

Before Narnia began there was evil. " You see friends...that before the new, clean world I gave you is seven hours old, a force of evil has already entered it; waked and brought hither by this son of Adam...evil will come of evil, but it is still a long way off, and I will see to it that the worst falls upon myself" (161). Before our Earth began, God knew that there would be evil that He would need to overcome. It was a part of His plan, and it is more majestic, and beautiful and magnificent than we will EVER realize.

It's amazing how BIG God is. He's big. He's REALLY big. He has everything in His hands and has a perfect plan for all of it. And that is incredible. And life-giving. He made us, for His purpose. Not the other way around. And that gives me hope, and freedom to live as He called me to live because I have been and am being redeemed daily. I can do nothing wrong in His eyes and that gives me freedom to be who He called me to be. To be sanctified. Humbled. Redeemed. Loved.

Something to Love

You know what I think is so awesome about RUF? Its a free group of friends, that you automatically have, no matter who you are or what you do or what you major in. Everyone wants to know you and hang out with you and talk to you. They want to get to know you, invest in you, not for their own gain but for Christ's. We want you to come to RUF, not to grow our own numbers, that would be nice, yes, if we had a hundred people in attendance each week, but what we really want is a solid community. A safe place. A place where we love each other and lean on each other and can be vulnerable with each other.

That's what's so special about RUF being a relational ministry. It really makes the person feel valued, feel wanted. I think that is the most important and most valuable way to look at ministry because it gives the person back their face instead of counting them as a number. That's why I'm so glad that RUF is small. That's why I want to grab and talk to everyone who walks out of RUF on a given Wednesday.  Yes, I struggle with that because it's out of my comfort zone, but I really do want you to connect with someone. Have small talk with someone, be loved by someone. Even if it is for 5 minutes.

That's why I miss Mary V and why I wish we had an intern this semester. Because they would make people feel wanted. Because they would have time to make people feel wanted. Me and all the rest of the Ministry team is busy scrambling around our schedules, and we don't always put relationships at the top of our priorities list, which is a character flaw for all of us, but still a hard thing to do in college.

I love RUF, and I'm glad things are going the way their going because I think it is helping us all grow immensly, but it doesn't mean its not hard, and we're not loosing people because of it. I just hope the way we interact with each other and meet new people will help us to sustain ourselves through our transition. I know that RUF national values Baylor RUF and I hope that our Ministry Team can live up to what they need from us. I value Baylor RUF as much if not more than RUF national and I sincerely believe if we keep acting and relating the way we are, we will last through our changing ministry.

I'm so glad I'm in Waco for this last year at Baylor. I miss St Louis and all of me wants to be in Seminary right now, but I know that God has placed me here, in this role for a reason, and I think He is working in me and through me to grow me in maturity and spirtuality to be exactly who He wants me to be.

A Place to Call Home

Moving back from St Louis is one of the hardest things I've done in a while. I didn't expect to miss the people that I'd gotten to know over the past three months. I thought our relationships would be surface level and we'd forget about each other in time. But I can honestly say that I left a piece of my heart in St Louis.
I miss my girls, I miss the friendships I made with the leaders, I miss walks with Shonda and Trent, and I miss sitting around a living room trying to get my Junior High girls to focus. I miss all of it. Every single second. I miss the city. The beautiful city that I called home for three months.

It was the hardest summer of my life. I was thrown into a situation where I knew no one and was forced to form relationships because it was my job. I was lonely, I was overwhelmed, I was scared. But looking back I can honestly say it was all worth it for the relationships that God brought out of it. Even if I only stay in contact with one person from this summer, it still means the world to me.
The love I received from my coworkers, students, parents, and roommates helped me last through the summer. And it's not easily replicated. I don't think it could be replicated in any capacity. And I miss that love. I miss those relationships.

I think I was holding myself off from feeling sad by leaving because I knew I was coming back, but its still an entire year before I go back, and a year is a long time. In a year things change, not only with me, but with the students. Some will be going to college, some will be going to high school, and some might even be moving.

Life's kindof that way. Things change. People move on. And we miss the things we used to have. Relationships. Friendships. People to worship with. Kids to play with. And friends to walk and talk with.

For all of you in St Louis, I miss you to the moon and back. I wish I was able to be there now, but I know God has wonderful plans in store for my year, and yours too. Keep in touch! Don't forget to write :)

To All the Single 20-something’s:

Relationships are scary. I’ll give you that. But if you aren’t willing to enter into them, you’ll never quench your desire for covenantal love. Yes, Christ is enough. Christ will always be enough, but He also made us for relationship. And I think that’s why it’s so hard for us to be single. Yeah, friends are great, they’re loyal, they’re comforting, they’re supportive, but they’re not quite all we want. We want a best friend. Someone to live life with. To rejoice with. To cry with, and sometimes simply to eat with.

In this culture of too much technology, I think it’s easy to let relationships not mean as much. And that’s not fair. That’s not what we’re made for. So if anything, get off your phone. Talk to someone. Really talk to them. See their hurt and see their joy and rejoice in that beautiful humanity.

To the guys out there: Ask her out. Whoever she is, whether you see her as a friend, or “sister,” or someone who might be your future wife, you should just ask. Yes, rejection is scary. I know. I’ve faced it countless times before. But if we don’t try we’ll never experience that joy in relationship that God has made us for. So don’t fear. Because God made you for this and He will be with you through it. If it’s meant to be, it will be. If it doesn’t work out, you have a Savior who died to make you righteous.

And to all the girls: Say yes. I don’t care if you see him as a friend. I don’t care if he’s unattractive. If you find him interesting, and fun to talk to and you have good conversations with him, go out with him. What’s it going to hurt? But be honest. Be honest with yourself and be honest with him. If you don’t think its going to go anywhere for any particular reason, the worst thing you can do is lead him on. So don’t. I don’t care how much you desire attention or affection, Christ can give you that. Through his pure love and through your close female relationships. And if you don’t have that with girlfriends, maybe you should try opening up to them. Don’t bring a guy into your mess if you aren’t willing to stay with him.

We all desire relationship. We all want that someone. So stop being afraid and try. Besides, isn’t that what Christ wants for us? He is three in one, obviously He is a relational God. And He made us in His image, so obviously we are relational people. So don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Let yourself be hurt, let yourself be rejected, let yourself be open to new friends and new experiences and new relationships. Because what are we really hiding from? Other people? Or ourselves? Because if we try to protect ourselves from love, we’ll only be more lonely in the end.

So. Go ask her out. Say yes. Have fun. Live. Love. Trust in God. And be honest.

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell. “ –C.S. Lewis The Four Loves

True Love

After a whole summer of playing soccer mom, taking field trips, being pulled through museums that I would love to spend hours in, and coordinating pick ups and drop offs, I've been dragged around by Junior High girls anywhere you can think of.

Tonight was our weekly Bible study where I try to focus them for at least 30 minutes before we have some snacks and hang out. The range of conversation is from people who look like cats, to Harry Potter to One Direction. It's crazy and ridiculous, and I love every minute of it. Honestly to me, it doesn't matter if I get them to focus for more than 30 minutes, I think helping them build community and love each other is just as important. Of course I'm overjoyed to hear their perspective on the Gospel. Especially if it's similar to my views, and even more so if it's honest. Yes, sometimes I get one word or one sentence answers, but every once in a while, the Lord intercedes and I see His heart in each of them.

Yes, there are distractions. Yes, there are stuffed animal birds that chirp and cause distractions, and OBVIOUSLY we need to talk about Harry Potter and cute boys, but all of that is just who they are. And I think that's beautiful. There's something about the fact that they are willing to be themselves and be crazy and loud and obnoxious. I know that's not who they are in their "real" world of school and I'm so glad I can provide that safe place for them.

Obviously I wish I could talk about Christ with them, but I think that comes in time. I also think they haven't quite lived enough to completely get it. Yes, Jesus saved me. I've heard that my whole life, but what does that really mean? I don't think they're asking that question yet, and I think my role is to prepare them for the walk that He takes them through. I think I'm here to not only be a confidant and friend, but to be a role model for the next generation.

I'm so glad for the time I get to spend with them every week. Literally, all I wanted to talk about tonight was Harry Potter with them. And that's awesome. That shows that I've become a part of their world. And I don't want to leave it. Every second I think of leaving this summer I promise myself I'll be back. And maybe that's where God wants me. Maybe that's why He put me here. Because He wants me, He even needs me here. Isn't that cool to think about?

I loved every second of tonight. I loved the conversations. The love they showed to one another. The love they showed to me. I can honestly say that I truly love these girls. And that's only because Christ changes my heart toward them. I think that's true love. Living out what Christ did for us by loving others. Because His love is the truest love we know, so how else can we experience it unless we love others?

These girls have my heart. And I am so glad for that. God's plan is revealing itself to be more beautiful than I could have ever imagined, and that is so wonderful.

People Will Be People. But God Is God.

Relationships are hard. They are something that's God-given, but drenched in our world of sin and brokenness. That's why it makes it hard to pursue people. We fear rejection, abandonment, and most of all the feeling of being an outcast. So we think if we stick to ourselves, we can't get hurt, right? Wrong. Oh, so very wrong.
I honestly think we're more prone to loneliness and pain and suffering if we do stick to ourselves. That means that the devil can get to us and convince us that we're not good enough, or funny enough or worthy enough, or simply enough. But that's not fair. The God of the universe gave his life for us. His life. Do you get that? I sure don't.

That's why at the beginning of the summer, when I was scared of calling and asking girls to hang out, I wasn't living as if I was saved by grace. I was living as if I could actually protect myself from those demons out there. When in fact those demons were in myself, and I was more exposed to them when there weren't people to protect me from them.
People are a gift. A God-given gift, that we should be endlessly thankful for. That's why now, with about 3 weeks left I'm dreading leaving. I'm even scared to leave. How can I leave these girls after only being able to get to know them for about two months? How can I do that to them? I think the answer is that I can't. I think that's why seminary has been on my heart so much this summer. And I think that's why today, I'm going to apply.

God does good things through hard times. While this summer for me was one of the most hard times in my life, I know that so many people, even people in my family have been through so much more. I can't help but see that God is in it because He wants us. When we're suffering and when we're striving, we're more likely to turn to Him. And he loves that. He wants that. And He wants us to want Him.

I want to want Him. Sometimes, on good days, I actually do feel that I want Him. So I pray not only for myself, but for everyone I know to want God the way he intended for us. The way that we're meant to. I pray that He show Himself to us through the places that we are in life, and we feel comforted and supported by Him always. Because without Him, this summer would have been one of the worst experiences of my life.

So It's Been A While

This summer has been hard. Incredibly hard. But it has been incredibly good too. Great, even. I wish I had blogged more to remember my own experience but let me just tell you a little about what I've learned in youth ministry.
1. Calling girls is hard. But not impossible.
2. Finding things to do is almost necessary.
3. Getting cancelled on is a way of life, let it go.
4. Sometimes people don't answer your phone calls, and sometimes, it's easier that way.
5. It does hurt to try, but that doesn't mean its not worth it.
6. Things don't always work out the way you plan, so you learn to adapt easily. Or simply let it go.
7. You don't always have to talk, but more often than not, you should be thinking of a ice-breaker question.
8. Its ok that some people have different tastes in music or TV. But country music and Doctor Who will always be close to my heart.
9. Life's not a competition.
10. Youth ministry is rewarding. But it's also something that drains your emotions, your focus, and especially your anxiety.

I've loved every minute of this summer. I know I've complained and Lord knows I've been upset, but I know the truth is that it brings me closer to Him. I've experienced deep loneliness, deep joy, overwhelming anxiety, and overwhelming peace. I've been all over the board emotionally, and I can tell you that it's all the work of the Lord.
For the past few weeks I've been home alone, or avoiding interacting with people, simply because I'm scared. But that creates in me a strong feeling of abandonment and loneliness that I can't quite explain to anyone. It's been something that's been overwhelming over the summer. But the good things about it are that it makes me try harder to interact with the girls in our youth group, and pursue them well. It makes me want to hang out with them so I don't feel so alone and left to my own devices. It also has definitely brought me closer to God. He's given me time, which is something that is so lacking in my college life, I honestly had no idea what to do with it. It scared me at first, but then I realized how bad I've been about praying for my entire life. So I've worked on that. I've read the Bible. I've studied the Bible. I've read books devoted to understanding Christ's work in our lives and it has been wonderful. Not to say it hasn't been hard but I think it was necessary.

And that's only part of the hard stuff. In youth ministry, you face a lot of rejection. Sometimes people are out of town, sometimes they're too busy to hang out with you, and other times, they make plans at the last minute. And that hurts. And we've all experienced that, but we can't let it get to us. If we let it get to us, we're not finding our worth in Christ, and isn't that what we're supposed to be all about? He will never reject us. Or make other plans other than us. He will always be there. And He should be all that we need. Not to say He hasn't given us, or made us need people, but He should always be our ALL. And when He's not, we have a problem.

That brings up a lot about not feeling in close community this summer, but I think the more important thing it brings up for me is that I don't want to leave this community or give up on it. I want to come back and invest more and be more involved in the lives of these amazing girls.

I'm thinking about coming to seminary next year and pursuing a degree in Counseling. It's been something that's been on my heart and mind for a while, and I think God is finally bringing it to fruition. I have a church home here, and I know a lot of people here who would be able to support me and love me, unlike what I would have in the RUF internship. Not that I wouldn't have that, I just don't know who those people would be. And knowing for me gives me some comfort. It just seems to be the right fit for me. And from my conversations with a lot of girls this summer, I just feel like counseling is something I want to do with my life. Whether it be professionally, or something that I have knowledge in, I want to know how to navigate relationships in a way that I can be supportive in their walk with Christ, while also understanding and sympathizing with them about the things they go through. I don't know how all the money's going to work yet, but I'm trying to save some this summer. Pray for me as I go through this decision process!

This summer has been amazing. I've grown more than I ever expected to and I'm really looking forward to looking back to the beginning of summer and seeing how much I've changed. I'm so grateful for the people in my life who've made this possible and bearable for me all summer. I love you all dearly and I thank you so much for showing me the love that Christ shows to His people.


Promise I'll blog more often! I know I have more things to say.