I'll be honest with you, I'm a nervous wreck. On the outside, I may act like I'm fine, and that trusting in God's perfect plan is what gives me peace for the day, but the truth is I don't really believe that. I don't really let myself let go. I want to be in control of my future. I want to know what the next step is, and how to get there.
I applied to Covenant Seminary, as many of you know, in late August. Since then I've been excited and ready to transition to a life in St Louis, full of loving my youth group family there, and learning more and more about the Lord and how to be his child. That's what I hope for, honestly, is to be there. And I want to know. I want to know now if I'm going to be there or not so that I can prepare accordingly.
Two weeks ago I got an email telling me that my application was in review and they would let me know in a few weeks if they wanted an interview. Yay, right? Wrong. I immediately stressed myself out. For the past two weeks I've been anxious and unwilling to let God take His rightful place in my heart. I've been distant, I've been controlling and I've been stressed out. All because I have this idea that I can do it all on my own. I can get into Seminary on my own, I can love people on my own, and I can develop a community on my own.
But do you know just how wrong I am? SO WRONG. That is so incorrect. I can't do anything on my own. All I am is Christ's work in me. He made me who I am and is sanctifying me through His righteous blood. I am who I am, and this summer meant what it meant because of Christ's work in me. I know that this summer would not have meant as much as it did if He wasn't with me through it all. Half the time I wanted to give up. More than half the time in fact. It was too much, it was too lonely and I wasn't made for this.
But guess what I learned? I was made for this. I was made for it because God wants it for me. And I honestly believe He wants me to be in Seminary. Without His heart changing mine, I would be pursuing something completely different.
I learned this past week from a friend that the best way we glorify God is to let Him have control. To relinquish and allow Him to move in you. To let Him really change your life. And you know what the best part is? To trust Him is to glorify Him. You worship Him by letting Him take control of your life. By submitting and letting go, you are glorifying the Lord. How cool is that? By simply saying, "Yes, Lord" you are praising Him!
I believe in His plan. I have faith, even when I cannot see. Even when I cannot feel. I know I trust Him. If I just let myself trust Him I know I will find rest in His arms. It's not about how long I have to wait, but about what I do while I wait. If I trust in His plan, I am covered. And I believe I am covered. Even if I don't act like it.
"For you do not know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -- Jeremiah 29:11
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