Reality Check.

 For the past four weeks, my application for Seminary  has been in review. First of all, hearing that it is in review is daunting. It’s scary to think that people are deliberating and deciding if the call I feel is real. It’s even more scary how vague a “few weeks” can be. I expected something the second week. Believed I deserved something the next. And was endlessly hoping for something just last week. This week though? More of the same. Fear, and anxiety, doubt and stress.

I believe with all my heart that I wouldn’t have applied to Seminary if it weren’t what God wanted for me. I wouldn’t have been in St Louis this summer without Him, and I wouldn’t have known about my gifts or potential without His spirit in me. I wouldn’t have known about the amazing counseling program at Covenant, and I would have been afraid that I wasn’t qualified enough. The only reason I even believed that I should apply was because of what God did in me this summer. What He had been preparing for me all my life.

The hope that I have in Christ is real. The belief that I will only get in if it is by his AWESOME work is true, but that doesn’t deny that waiting is hard. Waiting for anything is hard. Waiting to hear from a friend, waiting to hear from a seminary, waiting for healing, waiting for hope, waiting, waiting, waiting. It’s hard because we all want to be there already, wherever ‘there’ is. We have a problem with letting things be the way they are, letting the pain exist, letting anxiety be real and understanding doubt. We struggle with pain, we aren’t able to let ourselves feel because we’re stuck in a culture where we’re told we can make a name for ourselves, fix our lives, and accomplish anything we set out to do.

But what if struggling with pain is the greater  choice? What if living out the pain and experiencing anxiety is what we're called to do? What if letting that pain be real is more hopeful than just believing in hope? Can it truly be more faithful and enduring than holding on to hope? 

Maybe. Maybe that's part of the answer. Maybe we're called to a life of pain. Of experience. Of brokenness. Because without the reality of the Fall, what is hope? Would salvation and righteousness found in Christ be as amazing if we didn't experience the realities of the Fall? If pain, anxiety, and fear are all pictures of this, how are we called to live? Are we called to ignore them and move on to bigger and better things, or are we called to experience the realities of this world?

Even in scripture it shows that this is an essential part of the Christian life. The Psalms are more about the brokenness, hurt, and anxiety that David is feeling than about seeing the good things God has done. While I personally am horrible at letting pain, hurt and sadness dwell in my heart, I think it's an essential aspect of the Christian life. 

What if real faith is letting yourself be hurt? Letting yourself feel and not trying to control it? What if that leads to greater hope, greater faith and greater lives?