When You're Raised as a Dreamer

4 years later, and a little bit of life under the belt, and I'm back to blogging, or maybe just dreaming out loud.

The irony is that my last post was about not feeling like I fit in to the 'work world' or whatever my perception was of that as I was graduating from college. Now that I've avoided the work force for an extra two years and then jumped into youth ministry as a mid-20 year old intern, I can safely say that I did not even attempt to fit into to whatever my idea of the real world is. What I'm realizing as my job turned internship is coming to an end, is that the idea of work and wage, purpose and passion fit together differently for the millenial than the world wants to make us believe. Pursue your passion, they infuse us with as we're paying for an education that just ends up as a line on a resume. Don't settle for anything less than your worth, they pump us up with when we're in Elementary through High School. Dream big, they ingrain in us so that nothing we find is ever really satisfying enough.

I know what you're thinking, I'm the typical millenial blaming the world, my parents, teachers, influencers for the way that I am now. I'm not blaming anyone, I am who I am and what I am because of the choices that I've made and the perspective that I have in life. But that perspective came from an idealistic undertaking of the world that was formed around me. These ideals about life listed above aren't necessarily wrong or bad, they are just unrealistic.

But I've become accustomed to looking at the world unrealistically, and I think instead of seeing it as a weakness I'm going to use it as my strength. I'm part of a generation that refuses to fit in with the status quo, and that's good! It's innovative, creative and thought provoking. I refuse to stop dreaming big. I refuse to not pursue my passions in exchange for rent and food on the table. I will not sit in an office and dream of a life that I'd rather have.

I will live my life for others. I will chase after my dreams. I will use my gifts and passions.  I will not take no for an answer. I will not let anything dim my hopes and my goals. I will be all that I was created to be.

This blog started when I was trying to figure out how I fit into the world. What I'm realizing is that I will never fit into the world, and that's what drives me. Not just to make the world a better place, but to move and shake the world so that it begins to look more beautiful than broken. That's my mission, my life purpose if you will: Push back the ugly to make room for the good: the joy, the beauty, the love, and everything in between. 

A Hope for the Future

Let me tell you a little something about my life....

It seems in this world of "dream-jobs" and life-long careers, I haven't ever really fit in. There's not a job I can think of that would completely cover every passion that I have. Wolves and zoos and Jesus and rock climbing and reading? Hmm... It seems like I'm quite spread across the map.

And that's frustrating. Especially graduating college not going into the field you studied for the last four years of your life.

I went into college wanting to be a veterinarian. I always loved animals, and thought biology was interesting, hey, I was smart, I could do it, right? Sure. So I went to Baylor to get a Biology degree in the hopes of applying to A&M for vet school. It was going to be brutal, lots of hours in the library, and lots of work to check off all my requirements (something like 100 hours of shadowing). By year two of college in the suckiest Bio 2 class you could conceive of, I decided I wasn't made for this. I didn't love it. I fainted when I watched surgeries (there was one really embarrassing moment at an open house). And I just didn't have time for college.

So I moved on. I loved animals, so I switched majors to Environmental Science (add a little tree-hugging, and I was set). That summer I worked at the Houston Zoo. It was awesome. I loved that I got to go to the zoo for free every day. It was incredible! We worked with conservation projects (my fave, but for real) throughout Houston all summer. It was really cool to see how to rebuild and restore lost habitat, and help the survival of the ecosystem and certain endangered species. It was probably one of my favorite experiences I have had. But there was something missing.

It's so cliche, but all summer I felt like I was missing Jesus. The conversations in the secular world were just not that interesting to me. I didn't connect with the other interns. I just didn't look at life the same way as them. I wasn't strong enough to hide my faith, or even my innocence from them. I felt like an outsider, like I would never connect, and I knew there was something I was missing.

Right after that internship, I went with my high school youth group (as a leader) to RYM. It was wonderful. Seeing the budding relationships these kids had with God was indescribable. The way they connected with me and loved me so easily was refreshing. I felt at home. Like I had found a place. That next summer, my youth pastor suggested I apply for a youth internship with his friend in STL. I had no plans for the summer, so I though, why not?

My life had honestly never been the same since then. The internship went so well, and I was able to grow so much in my personal life, in my relationship with Christ, and my direction in life. It seemed like STL was calling.

Last night, I spoke for the first time in front of a group of students who I've gotten to know over two summers. Students who I've seen struggle, and rejoice, students who have lost their leaders to other jobs, and students who have had countless struggles with peers and family. Students who I've rejoiced to be with in the mountains in North Carolina, and sat with over millions of gallons of ice cream (or other sweet things). Students who I love dearly. And they all looked up intently at me, ready to listen to what I had to say.

Me? Really? They wanted to listen to me? Earlier that day I was reminded of the passage in the Bible where Moses pleads with God to not make him speak, because he was afraid. I felt exactly like Moses did, just with less responsibility. But you know what God did?

He spoke through me. I know that because the words I said were not special. They something these kids know. But I got such a positive response that I can only believe thatGod was working through me last night.

I'm so thankful for that, and I'm so thankful for the encouragement I received. One co-leader told me I was a natural teacher. Wow. I never thought I would hear that. I never expected that. But God, through all the struggle and frustration of me trying to find my own calling, had already made a niche for me. He gave me the opportunity to speak in front of people I really cared about about something I dearly love. I feel so blessed to be just beginning to see the place that God has made for me in His Kingdom. And I know it's only through Him that I am even able to desire to be a part of it.

I say all this, not because I want you to know how great my life is now that I'm in STL. Heck no, there are still struggles and tribulations abounding. I say this as an encouragement. As someone who hasn't known what she's wanted to do with her life all her life. I say this to tell you that you really are safe in His arms. That He REALLY does have a plan, and it's nothing like you expect.




"For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans for you to prosper and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares The Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile." JEREMIAH 29:11-14

The Joy and The Pain

My senior year is ending in no way I would have ever expected. I feel lost, and I know that I have lost. I’ve lost relationships, I’ve lost hope, I’ve lost purpose. I’ve been caught up in what life does for me, and I’ve been trying, striving, wishing, praying, for life to work for me. And yet, those endless tears and cries to the Lord haven’t brought me anything but disappointment.

I’ve felt abandoned. Left in the dust. Loneliness. Loneliness that crushes me. I don’t feel worth the love. And I pray endlessly for the pain to stop. For someone to show me out of this cycle of disappointment, despair and hurt. But my prayers for healing haven’t been answered.

However…God has something else in store.

You know what I think God’s teaching me?

I think He’s teaching me that He’s enough. Not only that He’s everything, but that He’s enough. He’s it for me. He’s my all. He gives me all, and His sacrifice defines me. And that’s all I need. His love, His approval, His redemption and sacrifice.

This year, through the joy and through the pain, there’s been something missing. Through every struggle to work with people, to make good grades, to be a good minister in RUF, to be a good Christian, to be a good friend, there’s been something missing.

I’ve tried so hard. I’ve given my heart and soul into people and places and ministries that I absolutely love. And what has it gotten me? Not much. I wouldn’t have expected that my senior year would be ending like this. So…discontent. But I think it’s a lesson.

I think it’s Him showing me that no matter what I do, no matter who I’m with, no matter how hard I try, He’s all I’ll ever have. I can be the best friend, the best counselor, the best minister I can be, but it’s nothing without His sacrifice for me. It’s nothing without His love for me. He covers me. He’s my everything, without Him I am nothing.

He is my strength, my peace, my joy, my hope, my life, my love. In times of darkness, in times of humility, and in pain and frustration. I don’t always act like it, and I sure as hell won’t always remember it, but everything I am is His. 

And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. ---Colossians 3:17

What's So Special About Today?

This morning at church was special. We were dressed in spring clothes and beaming from ear to ear. We greeted strangers, and sang together. We heard the gospel. We learned, and renewed our hearts at the teaching of the word. So what was different about today?

There were a few more attendees than normal. Actually, a noticeable amount of new faces. The responses were louder, the music, more full. And the chapel? Crowded. But why? What about this day made more people show up at church?

Why is my newsfeed filled with the message of the gospel, just today? What is it that made today different than other Sundays? What does it really mean, "He is risen"?

We already know the end of the story, we already know that we have been redeemed, that He is risen. We hear the gospel every week in church, so what is there to celebrate? Each year, we celebrate on a different Sunday, but why? What's so special about Easter?

Easter is unique, not because we're surprised at what happened at the tomb. Easter is special BECAUSE we celebrate. We ALL celebrate. The Church celebrates His resurrection together. We're unified by the celebration of the resurrection.

It's not so much that we didn't know that He rose. We wouldn't be saved if Christ didn't defeat death. But we're amazed. We rejoice. We celebrate the joy in the resurrection together. And I think that's what's special about Easter Sunday. The Church is unified, by this one life-altering event. That He has DEFEATED death, FOR us, so that WE might be saved.



Christ is risen from the DEAD, trampling over death by death. Come AWAKE, Come AWAKE, Come and rise up from the GRAVE. 

Learning to Find Beauty

Recently I've been realizing how out of balance my life is. How pushed I am toward one extreme, which causes me to strive more than I can handle.

One clear example is school-work, efficiency, and grades. Ever since this semester started it feels like I have to be extremely efficient to get the best use of my time studying so I can graduate with the GPA I want. I'm in a few easier classes, physics (not easy...) and writing my thesis. Every second of my day is devoted to ensuring that I get all the things done that I need to do.

I'm lacking sleep, time, energy and a full grasp on what life is really about. I've been trying to get that grade. Or finish that paper. Or understand those concepts so I can take that test. I feel like there is CONSTANTLY something I HAVE to be doing. Not something I 'need' to be doing, it's essential for my life to be meaningful, for me to be able to graduate, for me to live well.

But guess what? That's NOT where life is found. It's not about doing everything so you can be seen as the perfect student, or put another activity on your resume. And neither is it about giving up and just scraping by (or not scraping by), and  getting Cs in all my classes my last semester. It's not about giving up, but it's also NOT about stressing out.

Finding that balance is not easy. Learning when to say no to a responsibility is a difficult thing for me. I expect myself to be perfect, and live up to all the standards that I believe people have made me. I want to prove to them that I can handle this semester. That I can make it through college as a science major. That I am SMART enough, STRONG enough, EFFICIENT enough to handle every responsibility on my own.

Life is found in the balance. In sleeping in and skipping class. In taking your break between classes to hammock, or read, or just sit on campus and people watch. It's about spending time doing schoolwork, but not all your time doing schoolwork. Prioritizing your life over all the things pulling you in every direction is what's important.

There is beauty in learning. There is joy in discovering new things and understanding new concepts. It is a privilege to be able to go to school simply to learn. It's easy to get lost in the extremes. Of being the one stuck in the library every day and night, or only showing up for class on test days. It's easy to say one is the better thing to do. But realizing that life is found BETWEEN those two extremes is what's authentic.

I'm finding beauty in physics. In geology. In writing a management plan for gray wolves. Because I'm no longer taking it too seriously, or putting all the pressure on myself to be enough to achieve all the things on my to do list. I'm also finding beauty in prioritizing sleep, running more than I study, and reading for FUN instead of for work.


The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the Word of the Lord remains forever --Isaiah 40:8

The Downfall of the Overachiever

At the beginning of the year I had every resolution in the book: work out, read the bible, take charge of my life, be organized, be honest, be better, healthier, full of life. And while I'm still accomplishing and growing in all of these areas, I've realized something very essential to resolutions, and life ambitions, lately.

I got caught up in the end-goal. The half-marathon that I would race. The body that I would have. The faith that I would have. The life that I would make for MYSELF. But there was an ESSENTIAL element missing.

I'm not a runner. I hate running, actually. I'm a sprinter, because I used to be a gymnast, so long, sustained, endurance activities are not my thing. Especially running. But one of the things on my bucket list is a marathon, so what's a more perfect step to getting there than doing the half marathon at Baylor? Running the Bearathon is a beautiful thing, not only the race, but what it supports. I'm thankful to be able to participate and support incoming Baylor students!

As I began to train, a friend of mine found us a 'training schedule' for working up to the half. We looked at it and were overwhelmed. They want me to run how much a week? Hmm...Don't know if I can do that. But with my new, can-do attitude, I decided to give my ALL. Literally, y'all. My ALL.

Even in the blistering Waco wind, even during the coldest winter in my life, I was going to run. For myself! Because I was empowered, I was able, I am successful. I ran 6 miles in the snow (well freezing rain), and if I could do that, so quickly into our program, I could run the half at 9 minutes a mile! (A really hard goal for someone just learning to run long-distance). I could do ANYTHING. Because I was healthy. I was fit. I was becoming a runner.

Until the all too quick down-fall. Four to five weeks into our training, I realized I was wheezing when I was breathing, my upper back problems had come back and it hurt to breathe and carry around my backpack. I suspected exercise-induced asthma. Either way, I wasn't going to quit. I went for a run the next day, even wheezing, in pain, and without breath.

It wasn't even me who realized I needed to stop. It was my training buddy, and dear friend who YELLED at me. YOU CAN'T RUN IF YOU CAN'T BREATH! Oh. Right, probably not...

But I was SO caught up in accomplishing, in doing something once for MYSELF that I forgot to take care of my body. To take care of the temple of the Lord. I forgot my Savior. I forgot that it was only by His strength that I was able. That I was fit. That I was healthy.

My health, my wellness, my ability to be active, to breathe, to train is all Christ's. I am not my own but His. It is a beautiful thing that I will be finishing the Bearathon this year, but it is MORE of a beautiful thing because Christ has ENABLED me! It is only through Him that I have life and breath and salvation. Relying on Him is the only thing that will always be stable, that will help me be healthy, and 'take charge' of my life. He is my rock and my refuge.

Learning to treat my body like a temple is more than finding the IDEAL. It's more than the end-goal. It's about the balanced process. It's about learning when to take a break. Learning where the balance between over-doing it and laziness is. It's about eating healthy, but having dessert every once in a while. Finding the balance between under- and over-indulgence is where we find life. That's where living takes place. Rejoicing in the good, and not OVERdoing it.

Take a break today for me, and REST. Really, truly rest. And pray, thanking the Father for all He's given you in this life. Because He's given you everything. How beautiful is that?



Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. --1 Corinthians 6:19-20

The Definition of Overcommitted

I'm weary, drained, exhausted, and empty. It's about a month into the semester and I've had most of my first tests, school-work is picking up, and it seems like everyone wants my time and energy. I'm involved in church ministry, college ministry, a new network marketing job, and I'm taking 18 hours. EIGHTEEN HOURS. Y'all. I'm a senior, I don't have energy for this.

And it seems like all of my professors want me to devote ALL my time and energy into their class. Well. I have five classes, I can't have 5 times the amount of time, unfortunately. But if you could figure out a way to multiply my time (like Hermione and her time-turner), I'd be incredibly grateful. Not only am I in Physics (dear Lord, help me), but I'm in two upper level environmental science credits, and Capstone (research paper writing) and I'm finishing up my thesis. I don't have time.

I'm the definition of over-committed. Baylor's the definition of over-committed, but I've realized it in my personal life more so than just my Baylor life. It's not possible for me to be a full time student and to be involved in 5 extra-curricular activities. There's only 24 hours in the day, and currently I'm using up about 18 for school work and only 6 for sleep/eating. Prioritizing seems to be biased toward schoolwork, and I am incapable of committing the rest of my time to ministry/jobs/friends/etc.

So what made me participate in them in the beginning? What drove me to seek to be involved in EVERYTHING?

If I'm completely honest, I believe that it will give me meaning. If I'm involved in all these things, it must mean I'm important. That I'm needed. That I'm valued and significant to people. If my schedule is filled it must mean that people NEED me. Because I have things to do, and people to meet, I'm important.

My schedule determines my importance. If I'm always busy and always running around, I can say I mean something to someone/something. I'm striving for meaning. I'm trying to make myself important out of what I DO, not out of what I AM.

And what I am is LOVED. Redeemed. Rescued. Forgiven. I do not need to try so hard because I already am important to God. And because I'm important to Him, I can find meaning in seeking Him above the things of this world. In seeking Him through my school-work, in seeking Him through ministry, and in seeking Him in my daily life. I don't need to DO to be saved. Because I am.

This doesn't neglect the need to be involved in His work in this world. Christ calls us to be followers. To go into the world and extend His kingdom. But extend His kingdom with Him in mind, not on our own importance and meaning. Because He is what is important above all things of this world.




The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want...He restores my soul, He leads me in paths of righteousness, for HIS name's sake --Psalm 23:1,3