The Joy and The Pain

My senior year is ending in no way I would have ever expected. I feel lost, and I know that I have lost. I’ve lost relationships, I’ve lost hope, I’ve lost purpose. I’ve been caught up in what life does for me, and I’ve been trying, striving, wishing, praying, for life to work for me. And yet, those endless tears and cries to the Lord haven’t brought me anything but disappointment.

I’ve felt abandoned. Left in the dust. Loneliness. Loneliness that crushes me. I don’t feel worth the love. And I pray endlessly for the pain to stop. For someone to show me out of this cycle of disappointment, despair and hurt. But my prayers for healing haven’t been answered.

However…God has something else in store.

You know what I think God’s teaching me?

I think He’s teaching me that He’s enough. Not only that He’s everything, but that He’s enough. He’s it for me. He’s my all. He gives me all, and His sacrifice defines me. And that’s all I need. His love, His approval, His redemption and sacrifice.

This year, through the joy and through the pain, there’s been something missing. Through every struggle to work with people, to make good grades, to be a good minister in RUF, to be a good Christian, to be a good friend, there’s been something missing.

I’ve tried so hard. I’ve given my heart and soul into people and places and ministries that I absolutely love. And what has it gotten me? Not much. I wouldn’t have expected that my senior year would be ending like this. So…discontent. But I think it’s a lesson.

I think it’s Him showing me that no matter what I do, no matter who I’m with, no matter how hard I try, He’s all I’ll ever have. I can be the best friend, the best counselor, the best minister I can be, but it’s nothing without His sacrifice for me. It’s nothing without His love for me. He covers me. He’s my everything, without Him I am nothing.

He is my strength, my peace, my joy, my hope, my life, my love. In times of darkness, in times of humility, and in pain and frustration. I don’t always act like it, and I sure as hell won’t always remember it, but everything I am is His. 

And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. ---Colossians 3:17