Reality Check.

 For the past four weeks, my application for Seminary  has been in review. First of all, hearing that it is in review is daunting. It’s scary to think that people are deliberating and deciding if the call I feel is real. It’s even more scary how vague a “few weeks” can be. I expected something the second week. Believed I deserved something the next. And was endlessly hoping for something just last week. This week though? More of the same. Fear, and anxiety, doubt and stress.

I believe with all my heart that I wouldn’t have applied to Seminary if it weren’t what God wanted for me. I wouldn’t have been in St Louis this summer without Him, and I wouldn’t have known about my gifts or potential without His spirit in me. I wouldn’t have known about the amazing counseling program at Covenant, and I would have been afraid that I wasn’t qualified enough. The only reason I even believed that I should apply was because of what God did in me this summer. What He had been preparing for me all my life.

The hope that I have in Christ is real. The belief that I will only get in if it is by his AWESOME work is true, but that doesn’t deny that waiting is hard. Waiting for anything is hard. Waiting to hear from a friend, waiting to hear from a seminary, waiting for healing, waiting for hope, waiting, waiting, waiting. It’s hard because we all want to be there already, wherever ‘there’ is. We have a problem with letting things be the way they are, letting the pain exist, letting anxiety be real and understanding doubt. We struggle with pain, we aren’t able to let ourselves feel because we’re stuck in a culture where we’re told we can make a name for ourselves, fix our lives, and accomplish anything we set out to do.

But what if struggling with pain is the greater  choice? What if living out the pain and experiencing anxiety is what we're called to do? What if letting that pain be real is more hopeful than just believing in hope? Can it truly be more faithful and enduring than holding on to hope? 

Maybe. Maybe that's part of the answer. Maybe we're called to a life of pain. Of experience. Of brokenness. Because without the reality of the Fall, what is hope? Would salvation and righteousness found in Christ be as amazing if we didn't experience the realities of the Fall? If pain, anxiety, and fear are all pictures of this, how are we called to live? Are we called to ignore them and move on to bigger and better things, or are we called to experience the realities of this world?

Even in scripture it shows that this is an essential part of the Christian life. The Psalms are more about the brokenness, hurt, and anxiety that David is feeling than about seeing the good things God has done. While I personally am horrible at letting pain, hurt and sadness dwell in my heart, I think it's an essential aspect of the Christian life. 

What if real faith is letting yourself be hurt? Letting yourself feel and not trying to control it? What if that leads to greater hope, greater faith and greater lives?

Because Reunions Are Precious

We’re in Revelation this semester in RUF, and the most common theme that’s been driven home about what we take away from Revelation is that we are living in the time of tribulation. The time between memory and hope. Between what Christ has done for us and the promise that He has made to us. We live in the in-between.

I think this has been very applicable to life as a senior in college. The hope for the future is strong in my heart, and the memories of college years past have pervaded my mind, but as of now, I am stuck. I am stuck between the beautiful hope of the future, and the pervading memory of the past. But I am not living those things now, I am between them. I am stuck between a no-longer, and a not-yet, an awkward period of finishing and beginning. A middle ground, where everything is and isn’t. There’s no better description than that it is a time between past and future, memory and hope.

This weekend, an old friend came into town, our intern from the past two years who made a lasting impression on all our lives. And the reunion was sweet. Two of my friends and I met her at a local mom & pop shop, and when we saw her walking toward the coffee shop we rapidly pushed out our chairs and quickly raced to the door to greet her. The hugs and the squeals that ensued were beautiful. The smiles and the joy in each of our eyes was a vision of the glory of God. The time we were able to talk and be with her was sweet. Just knowing that she was back, even if just for the weekend, gave me peace. It seemed like all was right with the world.

I believe reunions are a picture of both hope and memory, colliding at once. They bring back sweet memories from times past, and allow us to hope that the future will bring more sweet reunions. Something to help us endure this life in between. Something that shows us how beautiful memories are and how much has changed. Something that makes us think of the future and when reunion will come again. It is precious. We cherish it, we relish in it. It is a gift from God to help us endure this life in between. It gives us hope now and makes the in between beautiful.

The feelings that ensue from such sweet moments show us what Christ has done for us in bringing love, community and relationship into our lives. They glorify God, and just a small piece of how much He loves us is revealed. Relationships are sweet, and reunions are glorious. The love of God has permeated the beginning, the end, and even the in between.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guards your hearts and minds in Christ –Phillipians 4:7

Learning About True Thankfulness

The Internet can be both a blessing and a curse, a time-saver and a time-sucker, a connection and an excuse for minimal personal contact. As an average young adult, I spend a majority of my time on my computer and on the Internet.

 How many in the past month have you said, I should probably have quiet time (or workout, or do homework), but have gotten on the Internet? I've done it more times than I can count. And I'm realizing how much the Internet takes out of my life. It takes away my free time, it takes away my real relationships, and it takes away my time with God and time to work on my health. 

Sometimes it has me asking where my free-time has gone, and other times it saves me a lot of time (and paper!) working on my thesis or other research papers. It is almost always a procrastination tool, the reason why it takes me so long to focus when I'm studying, and the reason it takes me twice as long to do my homework. If I took one hour every day that I spend procrastinating on the Internet, and used it to do something useful, outside, in a book or even working out I would be a much healthier person. 

And the Internet doesn't only take away our healthy living, it takes away from real relationships. I find myself getting on Facebook and using that as an excuse for my social connection for the day. I think that talking to people on Facebook chat is enough. While for some it has to be, shout out to my best friend in Korea!! It's not real. It gives you an excuse not to be honest with yourself and in community. It makes you show yourself off to people but never admit that you're struggling. We're all struggling, and we need a space for that. Real relationship comes with vulnerability, personability and time in person to talk to each other.  Real connection is in person, with real conversation and honesty. 

Not only does the Internet take away from our relationships with people, I think it takes away from our relationships with the Lord, and our sanctification. If I spent one hour a day reading, praying, and worshipping, I know my faith would be strong and I would be able to trust the Lord more fully because I would have a consistent relationship with Him. And this realization is why I have decided to take the month of November, and try real thankfulness. Thankfulness for time and the Lord. 

I realize that I can't cut out the Internet completely (although I would love to). But I think that it really can be a blessing. It can connect us to people we can't connect to in person, such as friends over seas, or simply people who don't have a phone or who's phone number you don't have, or who live in a completely different state. Instead, I have decided to use the Internet for my edification. 

The only times I will get on Facebook will be to post this, or other relevant articles that I find (as I'm using my free time to read more about God's work in our culture: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/), and for RUF events or connections. 

With my free time, I'm going to read. I'm going to search and study. I'm going to learn. I'm going to work out. To see my body as a temple  and be THANKFUL for the health that God has provided me with. I'm going to listen to hymns (not that I wasn't already, but still, they make me happy). I'm going to be joyful and be thankful for the beautiful life that God has given me and relish every moment. 

I think learning to be thankful is chiefly about learning to see what God has given you. Seeing that you are blessed, loved, and redeemed more than you can ever know. Being thankful for me today is about being thankful for time. 

What do you find yourself thankful for today?

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.  --Colossians 3:15-17

Confessions of a Real Control-Freak

I'll be honest with you, I'm a nervous wreck. On the outside, I may act like I'm fine, and that trusting in God's perfect plan is what gives me peace for the day, but the truth is I don't really believe that. I don't really let myself let go. I want to be in control of my future. I want to know what the next step is, and how to get there.

I applied to Covenant Seminary, as many of you know, in late August. Since then I've been excited and ready to transition to a life in St Louis, full of loving my youth group family there, and learning more and more about the Lord and how to be his child. That's what I hope for, honestly, is to be there. And I want to know. I want to know now if I'm going to be there or not so that I can prepare accordingly.

Two weeks ago I got an email telling me that my application was in review and they would let me know in a few weeks if they wanted an interview. Yay, right? Wrong. I immediately stressed myself out. For the past two weeks I've been anxious and unwilling to let God take His rightful place in my heart. I've been distant, I've been controlling and I've been stressed out.  All because I have this idea that I can do it all on my own. I can get into Seminary on my own, I can love people on my own, and I can develop a community on my own.

But do you know just how wrong I am? SO WRONG. That is so incorrect.  I can't do anything on my own. All I am is Christ's work in me. He made me who I am and is sanctifying me through His righteous blood. I am who I am, and this summer meant what it meant because of Christ's work in me. I know that this summer would not have meant as much as it did if He wasn't with me through it all. Half the time I wanted to give up. More than half the time in fact. It was too much, it was too lonely and I wasn't made for this.

But guess what I learned? I was made for this. I was made for it because God wants it for me. And I honestly believe He wants me to be in Seminary. Without His heart changing mine, I would be pursuing something completely different.

I learned this past week from a friend that the best way we glorify God is to let Him have control. To relinquish and allow Him to move in you. To let Him really change your life. And you know what the best part is? To trust Him is to glorify Him. You worship Him by letting Him take control of your life. By submitting and letting go, you are glorifying the Lord. How cool is that? By simply saying, "Yes, Lord" you are praising Him!

I believe in His plan. I have faith, even when I cannot see. Even when I cannot feel. I know I trust Him. If I just let myself trust Him I know I will find rest in His arms. It's not about how long I have to wait, but about what I do while I wait. If I trust in His plan, I am covered. And I believe I am covered. Even if I don't act like it.



"For you do not know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -- Jeremiah 29:11